Thursday 16 March 2017

還是會相聚

回想起多年前開始接觸佛教,開始探索佛教的人生观与生死大问時常去佛堂聽師父說法。有次在2011年9月21日,师傅解說佛教的生死流转因缘结构时,说到了他小时候他最疼爱的二姐车祸离开他的事;“别离”是人世间八种苦的其中一种。

最后他提到了一句“我们还是会再相见的”。
听到这句,我不由自主的眼睛湿了起来。

如果真的有生死流转,亲爱的人离开了,我们还会再次与亲爱的人相会。

很喜欢龙应台写的《目送》,她说人生就是一次次目送:
我慢慢地、慢慢地了解到,所谓父女母子一场,只不过意味着,你和他的缘分就是今生今世不断地在目送他的背影渐行渐远。你站立在小路的这一端,看着他逐渐消失在小路转弯的地方,而且,他用背影默默告诉你:不必追。

Life of Pi戏里我很喜欢主角最后说的那句:
生命就是一个一直不断放手的过程,只是它总是不让你有道别的机会”。

以下是一篇我很喜欢的副刊文章,一直收在电邮里。第一次读到这篇感人的文章時,文章最后作者写“彼此深情緣份一場,總有一天,我們還是會相聚的”...
泪,我就这样落了下来。

————————————————————————————————————————

《牽手》
星雲
副刊
2011-09-13 21:02

醫生從白簾布裡退出來,說:留一點時間給你們家屬。

當時猜不透那是甚麼意思。後來才知道那是醫院的標準作業程序,當救治無效,身為家屬的我們擁有約莫10至15分鐘的私人時間,在被圍起來的白簾布內,和母親好好相陪一段,好好說再見。

母親走了嗎?

風停雨歇,我沒有號啕大哭。我只是牽著母親冰冷的手,輕聲的唸著經文,靜靜的流淚,再靜靜的抹去眼淚,心裡不停的問,母親,是真的不再了嗎?……我開始喜歡牽母親的手,那是在她中風以後的事。

因為我討厭在大白天看她睡著或者打瞌睡的樣子,那麼的與世隔絕、獨自沉醉,好似就此不再醒來般,死亡的想像讓我覺得恐怖、甚至害怕。藉由牽手可以讓膽小的我心情溫暖實在,有一種全然掌握情況的篤定安全感,手中花一朵,勝過滿苑圃的芳香。

所以每次載她去洗腎中心的途中,我都會央求她把手交給我。我右手操控方向盤,左手牽著她的手,揉揉捏捏搓搓,在她身旁胡謅瞎搿,甚至瘋子一樣伴著收音機高聲亂吼,也不覺得尷尬。做這些癲狂的事,無非是不要母親一入睡後對我似銀河系般遙遠的疏離感。

到了洗腎中心,情況易位對調,輪到膽小的母親囑咐我抓緊她的手,好讓兩支圓徑0.5公分粗的大針頭扎入血管時,她不會因承受不住疼痛而抽走,導致血管走位而扎不準。

為此,扎針的護士、母親和我3人如大敵臨前,分秒怠忽不得。4個小時的洗腎療程裡,最難過的一關便數那一刻,母親真的是爹啊娘啊撕心裂肺的哭喊,一個中風如殘燭的老女人對於疼痛的承受點是很低的,低得無法讓人想像。

好多次扎針失敗,看見母親手臂的肌肉瞬間腫脹瘀青,我於心不忍轉身偷偷拭去淚水,心想要是痛苦能夠轉嫁,我是可以心甘情願全部攬下來的,然而真實的情況卻是要她獨自去扛這無以名狀的痛,冰敷一陣,重新扎針,再從腫脹的肌肉裡尋找躲藏的血管,銜接回長長的導管裡。

那種心酸著實難耐,心底徒然升起一股衝動想把她抱起來,說:走,不插針,不洗腎了,我們回家。當時多麼幼稚的我,母親不洗腎,不就判她的死刑嗎?

我總是想,母親這條命,是我用錢交換來的。

她的時間,以星期計。一星期3次,每次4個小時的洗腎療程,贖得一身乾淨無尿素瀦留的血液。白花花的錢是花去了,然而一絲悔憾也沒有,倒是愈加珍惜,我能擁有她當下的每一刻都是幸福,都值得開香檳慶祝。

若是完成一次無特殊狀況發生的洗腎,母子倆總是逕自歡喜感恩,回程的路上,縱然已入夜,母親手臂上的止血棉紗仍在,我在車裡牽著她的手,穿過一盞又一盞的街燈,在轉角處還不忘考她,看到國油油站表示甚麼?母親回答:噢!要到家了。然後任由她對著漆黑的前方路口亂指一通,作我的嚮導說轉這轉那的,我笑不攏口,說我就是你的家,我到那裡,你就跟我到那裡。

於是把她的手握得更緊。

我想,前世母親一定是我的女兒,才讓我這麼的寶貝寵溺。

那是一種熨貼心懷的應答,一種屬於我倆人的密秘訊號,我總是無時無刻的問她,我叫甚麼名字,她回答:阿全。阿全是誰?她回答:我的兒子。簡單,讓我心滿意足。

後來,洗腎的時間長了,母親的身體狀況愈差。那時她有些模糊,沉睡的時間也愈久,我牽著她的手,貼近臉問她我叫甚麼名,她瞇縫的眼睜開一條線,隱約見到眼珠子溜轉,慵懶又虛弱的回答,阿全。簡短,卻讓我心如刀割。

再後來,連阿全都叫不出了。

母親仍在,我安慰自己,她只是很累,需要更長時間的休息,來恢復身體耗損的精神元氣。驗血報告說她血紅素偏低,導致倦怠易睏,似乎合理解釋了她的異常,可我還是恐懼罣礙,因為往後的每一次洗腎,母親都像是歷劫歸來,洗掉了身上兩公升水分,她輕得像一團雲絮,虛弱得像布偶,可以輕易的被捧在懷裡、放在輪椅、抱進車裡。

回程的路上她又嗜睡,睡得讓人心生不安。我從經常抽問到偶爾發問,同樣的路燈過去了,國油油站過去了,疲憊的嚮導無暇兼顧,只選擇性回答,大部份時間沉默。但我還是牽著她的手,即便彼時她徜徉在夢裡,不論走了多遠我都要把她牽回去。

於是從洗腎中心到急診室,從普通病房到後來的加護病房,在醫院的長廊穿梭來去,我以為一直牽母親的手,便可以無限延長告別的時間。因為我還沒有準備好對她放手,說服自己她已然敗壞的器官無法再負荷強藥劑的抗生素。姐姐來電,家鄉長輩來電,勸我放手,讓她走吧!整個世界僅剩我一人徒勞掙扎,拔河的另一端我勢單力薄,愚騃如我,是唯一一個參不透人間世的成住壞空、緣起緣滅。但我還是不停在她耳邊問她同樣的問題,我是誰?叫我?看我。

彷彿我已忘了身份,一再的希望從她口中確認秘語,證實彼此仍存在著親暱關係。一旦牽了手,便是誓約。醫生對我說,醫院尊重家屬的意願,隨時可以提供各項的急救措施,且臚列各種於我如酷刑的選擇:心肺複甦、插喉管、電擊……。

真的非得如此嗎?眼前這麼一個孱弱的,我的老母親,扎一口針都痛得呼天搶地,此刻非得經歷這些慘烈的程序,只為了滿足我無能放棄割捨的情?

這次我真的要放手了

我抽身離開,站在醫院的長廊外,一個無人看見的所在掩面哭嚎一陣,徹底傾瀉滿腹的心酸委屈。然後踱回病床對醫生說:呼吸停了,不救。心臟停了,不救。血壓低了,不救。每個答案都錐心刺肉,我回頭看看母親,重又牽她的手,滿是愧疚,對她說:抱歉了母親,走到了這一步,這次我真的要放手了。

然後無奈的看著醫護人員一件一件的卸下母親身上的醫療儀器。從主治醫生恩賜的最後片刻寧靜裡,我學習靜靜的說:再見。

對於這體貼的安排,不知該傷懷還是感激。我拉起白布簾,隔開周圍的雜蕪凌亂,牽著母親的手開始自言自語,一再的懷疑:母親是在還是不在了?

不久醫護人員把我支開,說要幫母親淨身。待我回頭踅進加護病房,母親的身體已被白布緊緊包裹,雙手束綁在肚腹上,像一具木乃伊。主治醫生交給我幾張單據,確定了:7月24日下午3點1刻,星期天,注記母親和這個世界說再見的時間。死因:肺感染。

在運屍車載母親至殮屍房的漫長等待裡,我對著眼前一團白布發愣良久,心想這次真的牽不到母親的手了。然後母親的遺體被一個巨大的鐵蓋罩住,從加護病房被推出來,拐過一排排的病床,進電梯,出電梯,眼前路人無意撞見,神色慌張紛紛掉頭閃避。

一路相送到殮屍房已是傍晚,暮色降臨,詭譎陰森的氣氛瀰漫。值勤人員說處理好這一具他便要下班了。填上我的姓名身份證號碼,簽名,表示把屍體領走了。

直到把母親推進預定的救護車裡,我對兩個馬來年輕司機千囑萬咐,額外塞了錢,雖然這是他們的日常工作,但載著母親,我的要求就不一樣。班台老家遠在800公里外,夜路漫長難行,絕不容有閃失。車子發動,我猶不放心,攔下他們,爬上車掀開包裹的白布,再一次撫摸母親的臉說:媽媽,不要怕,你在前頭先走,我在後面跟著。穿過黑夜,抵步黎明,我們在老家相見。

躍下車,才放心讓母親離去。車子從斜坡滑下,經過對面的友族墓園,閃著訊號燈轉右,然後消失在我的視線裡,我揮揮手,一句再見卻怎麼也說不出口。

照顧母親經年,那是第一次讓她在那麼長的旅途中沒有牽著我的手,這莫名擔憂又油然而生。母親的單人旅程,是離去也是歸途。

我站在殮屍房外,暮色真的罩下來了,工作人員走出來說要關門。我趨前與他握手,感謝幫忙。臨走前再環顧四周,突然記住了這個地方,這種氛圍和無力感。

母親,縱然不捨,牽過的手,我不得不在此放下。

此去,真的是死生契闊。我想,父親會在遠方引接你的。兩年裡相繼送走摯愛的父母親,至此我成了孤兒。

但彼此深情緣份一場,總有一天,我們還是會相聚的。

(星洲日報/副刊‧文:許裕全)

Friday 29 November 2013

2013

The final month of the year will come after tomorrow.

Perhaps this year is quite a fulfilling year to me, which I'd ever had. I carried out most of the new year's resolution I planned although I have discontinued some, some came unexpected, some never been carried out, yet I am still not very happy also not to say unhappy. I don't know why but I still cannot find a very clear direction and answer to the best possible life.
So, still searching.

Here are the resolutions:
1) Do more reading - did read some books, many articles, but my reading speed was slow. Need to read more books and not facebook. 

2) Learn to swim - I didn't know how to float at all, but I am now learning butterfly style after 19 sessions.
3) Join toastmaster - initially it was a firm plan to join a toastmaster club because I wana extend my circle and also improve my public speaking skill, but I had to postpone it because of new plan to learn Japanese language (with personal reason). But after completed first level of Japanese class, I decided to stop learning it because of other commitments although i love the language (also the personal reason has not been realized, but then I went to Canada). I will join toastmaster, I will, perhaps next year.
4) Practice meditation - I attended meditation class every Tues early this year, but somehow I did not continue after 2nd quarter of the year. I should make practicing meditation as a lifestyle as what I do for exercise but I lack of diligence.
5) Investment - continue learning and doing.
6) Save money - saved some, but need to keep life even more simple.
7) Transform body/ six packs abs - successfully transformed the fat botakman to a lean boy, but six packs abs still needs a lot of hardwork....
8) Run a full marathon 42.195km - successfully ran 2 full marathons in a year (the Standard Chartered KL Marathon 29th Sept. 2013 and the Penang Bridge International Marathon 17 Nov 2013).
9) Improve knowledge and practice in Buddhism - I did not improve much, lack of diligence is acknowledged.
10) Family - love my parents and my niece more, I did it but I should give more.

The wish to go to London in 2012 to attend conference (self financed) did not come true because it was so expensive. But out of my expectation, I got the chance to visit to London this year Sept.
Future plan in my mind - study MBA, triathlon race/ Ironman race, but I don't have a clear plan yet. Currently I feel uncertainty for 2014. 
What I want to do now is, disconnect from FB, lock myself in room do my reading and prepare whatever I should for December 2013.

Friday 5 July 2013

Documentation: My Results in Past Major Running Events

One of the reason why I started this blog is to train my writing skills. But slowly due to busy and lazy, I almost forget to open this blog. Sigh!

I supposed to have my very first full marathon in my life on last Sunday 30 June 2013, the Standard Chartered KL Marathon. But sadly, it was being postponed due to the stupid haze. You may imagine how much time wasted, how much cost wasted, how many people were affected (there are total of 30,250 runners this year with more than 3000 overseas runners). 

For myself and my buddy, we can't reschedule our flight and hotel, although we booked our budget flight during promotion but because we have to come again in September, we need to spend extra RM200 for transportation + accommodation. Anyway, the organiser is not to be blamed as they were making a very hard decision to postpone it for the sake of the majority runners with the unpredictable haze situation last week.

I had run in various 10km races. But for distance more than 10km, till date I had run two 17km races and two half marathon (21km) only, but then I move to full marathon this year. Some people might feel that I am putting myself on risk or I am brave. But I just think that I can do it when I see my body slowly become stronger and my confidence increases through out this 8 months.

So today I am writing this to document my result for the past major running events for my own future reference.

1) My "virgin" run -  Penang Bridge International Marathon 2011, 20th November.
10km run:Gun Time: 1:20:35.81
Chip Time: 1:20:11.27
Ranking : 1443/3696



2) Standard Chartered KL Marathon 2012, 24th June.
10km run:
Chip Time: 01:28:34
Split 5km: 00:42:26
Ranking: 3921


3) Penang Bridge International Marathon 2012, 18th November.
Half Marathon (21km):
Gun Time: 02:49:08.66
Chip Time: 02:47:13.11
9km Split: 01:11:00.44
17km Split: 02:11:13.11


4) 17km Penang Run 2013, 27th January.
Gun Time: 02:04:01
Chip Time:02:02:56
Category Ranking (Junior Open): 187/ 357
Overall Ramking: 682/1205


5) Malakoff, 17km Penang 2013, 17th March.
Gun Time: 01:43:06.07
Chip Time: 01:42:56.44
9.2km Split: 00:58:46.35
Men's Open Ranking: 249/ 944


6) Penang Run 1st Series Result (Esplanade - Teluk Kumbar), 12 May 2013:  
Half Marathon (21km):
Gun Time - 2:12:45
Chip Time - 2:12:11
 
Overall Ranking - 218
Mix Ranking - 187
Category Ranking - 98 



























Sunday 2 June 2013

Running a Marathon

It has been many months, nearly half a year I didn't update my blog because I had been busy since the start of this 2013 to carry out my new year's resolution. 
Well the main motive when I started this blog is to aim improve my skills of writing both in Mandarin and English, it really needs a continuous motivation to write. But it is often burried by laziness.

Part of my planning for this year is to learn Japanese, learn swimming and run a marathon. In runners world, when we say run a marathon it automatically means running a 42.195km marathon, the so called full marathon. Running a 21km run is called half marathon while running 10km run is not categorized as marathon, it is normally called 10km race or fun run.

I started my Japanese language class since March 2013. Learning Japanese language is an ongoing process and still a lot of things to be learnt and memorized. Regarding swimming, I did not know how to swim even float in the water at all. I always wanted to know the feeling of moving in the water since many years ago but now only I started to learn swimming since March. It was a great experience in learning swimming, at the initial stage it made me realized that how poor my body's coordination and how stiff my body was when I was in the water. But it also made me realized that my learning ability is quite fast, I could float and started to learn breaststroke kick during 1st lesson, 2nd lesson learnt hand movement, 4th lesson breathing, hand and leg coordination, 5th lesson fine tuning breastroke and 7th lesson started to learn freestyle.

Let's come back to the title, running a marathon. I will be running a marathon in this coming 30th June 2013, in the Standard Chartered KL Marathon (SCKLM) 2013, my first (full) marathon in my life. I ran few 10km races, two 17km races, and two half marathons. Last year I had my first half marathon 21km in the Penang Bridge International Marathon (PBIM) 2012, will write about the improvements I made in another article later for my own documentation as well.

Running a (full) marathon, is not an easy stuff, it's killing! People often said you must run numerous half marathons then only can try full marathon. But I don't believe, I believe in a stronger leg and not the numbers of races. This is because I never ran many half marathons but I made a 30mins improvement in my 2nd half marathon this year compare to my first half marathon PBIM last year. So I ran twice in half marthon and this year I am going to run in a (full) marathon. The cut off time for SCKLM 2013 is 6 hours to complete the 42.195km in order to get the finisher medal and finisher tee. I believe I can finish it within 6 hours, but my concern is how fast I can finish it.  

So, another 30days for my first (full) marathon in my life, I feel excited! There are many training programs and guidelines being suggested by experts for running a (full) marathon such as HIIT, hill, tempo training, LSD and so on. Well, I neither read any of those articles nor have time to accumulate weekly millage. It's good if one can follow those suggestions. It definitely can improve one's stamina. But I don't have enough time already, so I'm using my very own approach, the combination of weight training, swimming + running 3x per week (if possible). I believe weight training plays an important role for stronger legs, better endurance and to run faster. So for the next few weeks I will do more lunges, squats, dead lift, and back strengthening for a stronger posterior chain.

My target is 5 hours. Let's see!

Friday 28 December 2012

豆腐

多数时候晚上我健身完驾车經過那裡时,總會不自覺(應該是故意)地彎進去吃釀豆腐。
一个星期最少都有两次。

慢慢地我发现,我其實是要看美女。

不過說真的,她真的非常非常漂亮和可愛。
白皙的肤色,瓜子脸,娇小玲珑,别致的脸蛋,散发出一种难以言语的气质。

美女賣豆腐,哇咾 A!

所以她就這樣賺了我的錢…



Thursday 29 November 2012

警惕自己的话 My Favourite Aphorisms

1. 你所浪费的今天,是昨天死去的人奢望的明天。你所厌恶的现在,是未来的你回不去的曾经。Today which you have wasted, is actually the tomorrow for those who died yesterday hope for. Your current situation that you hate now, will become the past that you cannot come back in the future.

2. 假如一个人的寿命为60岁,那么他总共只有21900天。一生时间的用途分别为:睡20年(7300天);吃饭6年(2190天);穿衣和梳洗5年(1825天);生病3年(1095天);打电话1年(365天),照镜子70天;抹鼻涕10天。最后只剩下3205天,即8年又285天,用来做你真正想要做的事情。
If the life of a person is 60 years old, then he will have a total of 21900 days during his lifetime. This lifetime will be used for: 
sleeping 20 years (7300 days); eating 6 years (2190 days); dressing and grooming 5 years (1825 days), fall sick 3 years (1095 days); talking on phone 1 year (365 days), make up/ looking at mirror 70 days; having runny nose 10 days. It left only 3205 days after deducting the above, ie 8 years and 285 days, for you to do what you really want to do.


3.  人开始时往往为梦想而忙,后来却因为忙碌而失去梦想。
Often people become busy when start pursuing their dream, but eventually people lost their dream due to busyness. 

Tuesday 27 November 2012

去年今天

去年今天你在做什么?
What did you do today in last year?

我在日本和秋天有个邂逅。
I was at Japan, falling in love with Autumn.
 

我是个有福的人,很幸运当时被公司委派去日本南部考察。
I always feel that I am a very lucky person. I was being selected by my organization for a study trip to South Japan.
除了考察,当然是尽最大力气去看、去逛、去记住这个美丽的国都,同时享受秋天的宁静。
Other than learning the Japanese system, of course with the greatest effort to see, to visit as many places as I can and to remember this beautiful country, as well as enjoying the serenity of the Autumn.

日本的北九州市(Kitakyushu-shi),是个非常舒服的地方。
Kitakyushu-shi is a very nice and comfortable place.
其让人感觉舒服的部分是拥有宽敞的空间,宽敞的行人道,建筑之间也不会让你感到很有压迫感,就是协调得很自然。
It has a very spacious environment, wide pedestrian walk way, the setting between buildings also does not make you feel oppressive; it is just so naturally coordinated.



这里地方虽然很大但却不是大城市,这里的生活步骤也不快。
Kitakyushu-shi is quite a big area/ district, but it is not a metropolis. The life at here is also just in a moderate pace.
你会看到很多老人家在路上行走,都很独立却也是孤独的。 
You will see a lot of elderly on the road, they are very independent, but I also see the lonely shadow of them.
这里不喧闹,路上的汽车也不多。
This is a very peaceful and quite place, there was not many cars on the road as well.



秋天的气候寒冷凉快,这里的一切一切美得让人想恋爱。
The cold and cool climate of Autumn, the mountain, the people, the land and sky, everything here was so beautiful until made you feel you want to be in love.
当时的我很有感触地在心头里想,如果我有爱人,能够和她在这寒冷的秋天,手牵手漫步在这秋叶转红的道路;那么此刻世间不再无需语言,寒冷变得多么的美,因为我牵着你温暖的手心。
I was very touched with the beauty of this land and was thinking in my heart that, if I have a lover and could hand in hand walk along this red autumn leaves' road, then this world is no longer require any language during that moment but just feel the beauty of serenity and the cold; because I have you with me, I am holding your warm hand.
幸福其实就是当你感觉当下那一刹那拥有着不变不移的永恒。这不也是一种浪漫吗?
Happiness is when you feel the inalienable eternal in the flash of present moment. 
I think it is also a kind of romantic, isn't it?



我怀念日本秋天的美。
I miss the beauty of the autumn in Japan.


我不知此生还有没有因缘再踏足日本,但是我希望日后有机会和爱人漫步在日本这宁静的秋季道路,看秋叶转红,看它被风吹起的妩媚......
I do not know whether I will be able to set foot in Japan again or not in the rest of my life, but I am looking forward for the opportunity to walk along this peaceful and serene Autumn road in Japan, with my lover, to see the autumn leaves turn red, to see it's windblown charming......


谨以此文献给我远方的日本朋友,小浜須賀子。
This article is dedicated to my dearest Japanese friend, Obama Sugako-san.